Saturday, October 30, 2010

15 weeks in Heaven

Imagine the thought of that, 15 weeks in Heaven. I wonder what little Sarah is seeing with her little baby eyes.
I wonder what angelic songs she is hearing in praise to our heavenly Father. I would love to see how much she's grown. I would love to see her precious little smile, and feel the softness of her face, and kiss her little baby lips.
I would love to caress her delicate golden baby hair. It was so pretty, I wish you could have seen it. She was the blondest of all my children. I wish I would have taken a photo of the back of her sweet little head so you could have seen how pretty her hair was. The nurse at the hospital gave me a little snippet of it to keep. Every once in a while I take it out of the envelope and look at it. Actually, I've only been able to do that once. I don't want to loose any of it. Plus, I would have to prepare myself for a good deal of weeping.
My arms still ache to hold her.

Her little pink cradle still sits in the corner of my room. My daughter Madeline made a new cover for it last spring. It's kind of bright pink soft corduroy with dark brown trim along the bottom and white eyelet trim around the top. In it is the softest of soft pink blankets that a friend of mine gave me. It has the words, "Thank Heaven for little girls" embroidered on it. There is also a soft little pink teddy bear sitting in her cradle that says "My first Bear" sometimes I give him a little hug when I walk by.
Her dresser is still filled with pretty little frilly dresses and little pink onesies and fancy little socks that I never got to dress her in. My husband was the only one to dress her. He had put on her a little white t-shirt. I sleep with that little t-shirt beside my pillow. Sometimes I lay it over my leg and try to imagine her little body in it. I still weep.
I don't open the dresser very often either. It still holds all the special little things that the girls and I made for her. Little booties, little hats, special little blankets, that little pink sweater that I crocheted for her last winter by the  fire as I was waiting for her to arrive. I remember feeling her move inside me. I miss being able to feel her. I still feel so empty inside.

This morning I read from Psalm 139:1-3
 O Lord,  thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
I think of Sarah when I read verses 14-17
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

I love reading verses in the Psalms where there are exclamation points!
Praise the Lord, O my soul.


  1. Erica, thank you for sharing from the deepest places within. This is so beautiful and made me weep as I read it. It paints a wonderful picture of your little angel. May our Father in heaven continue to comfort you and give you His peace. Love you.

  2. Thank you....Heaven is a bit closer now.

  3. My dear, Erica. I shed tears with you. She is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing all of this.

    Love to you, friend <3


  4. She's BEAUTIFUL, Erica & Dean! I believe that you will see her precious little smile, feel the softness of her face, and be able to kiss her little baby lips one day. My heart aches with you and for you. Losing a little one is really hard.---but I pray that as God comforted me--He will envelope you in HIS loving arms and hold you close and comfort you as you cry. HIS ARMS are the MOST secure place. To think...THE GOD of the Universe cares about YOU, longs to hold YOU, longs to comfort YOU. HE UNDERSTANDS everything you are thinking and feeling. His precious Son died---He KNOWS the pain of that separation. Just as He was reunited with His Son. You, too will some day be reunited with precious Sarah. I have a WONDERFUL video that is the most encouraging thing I've ever listened to about Heaven. I will get it back from a friend to whom I loaned it, and I will get it to you.
    Thank you for sharing here. I believe God will use you to encourage others going through the same thing. He comforts us whereby we might comfort others. You are precious for being so willing to transparently share even while in the process of healing yourself. God will bless you for this. love you! Susan